Tuesday, 1 December 2015



It’s interesting what this year has been for me. It’s already December and I can’t believe how fast the year has gone. It’s one of those months that makes you look back and see what you have accomplished. Celebrate the success and maybe cry about the low moments and there is also strive to improve for next year.
This year I learnt a few things about myself. I have a higher tolerance and endurance than I thought and I am resilient.
 I have been tested emotionally beyond my power to comprehend what was going on in my life. I actually reached the point where I stopped making plans for my life and yet I am known to plan my life to specific details. I have been forced to see how powerless I really am and how being vulnerable though is good can have a negative effect. I was left wondering if I would ever let anyone else in ever again.

The problem of sharing your hurt when you are known as a strong personality is that people want to give you solutions to on how to overcome and are generally very impatient with you and also want you to get over it as fast as possible. That is because when they meet you they don’t want to talk about it. The truth is sometimes you just want to vent and you don’t want solutions. The bad thing is to wallow in it.
 People like me withdraw from public and process in my mind what happened and what is happening and if there is another way. I have done that throughout the year with every area of my life because this year has been a real emotional stretch. From health to work to personal life and also spiritual life. The truth is I am those who are happy December is here.

I will not deny that some things have worked out very well and others crumbled. The hardest part was the ones that crumbled and have been cultivated for a while. Thought it was sprouting, gave it support, watered and cultivated it and still crumbled. I understood the meaning of working in vain. Sometimes it’s obvious to let something go but if you are a hopeful person like I am that things can turn around you cling when you should actually let go. That statement let go let God is very real especially this year.
This is that year that I have really asked God what the point of my life is. It is very hard for people like me who plan things and they don’t work out. I like to see a clear path of where I am going. This year I have been on the Abraham journey of going and not knowing where but still going all the same. Going but not knowing where to, going and not sure which direction is the right one or what to prepare for what’s ahead. Going and feeling weary and anxious and scared.

My faith has been stretched for sure, I have had panic attacks and anxieties beyond what I can fathom. I have also felt very alone and very abandoned. I have had to shut out voices of people and those in my head that keep reminding me of my failures. I have also endured a lot of being mistreated especially when I knew I deserved better and I still kept on. It’s very strange how you can one time or another watch someone treated badly or going through a tough time and you judge them for not being strong until you go through it then you realize how thoughtless you were to them.
All in all I have figured that this was a season I had to go through. I have become a different person for sure and I have grown. I am more open now and have a higher sense of empathy towards others. I am not willing to lower my standards of what I want any more because I deserve it. I am also less tolerant of people treating me less than I deserve. I am a strong person and I am a good person and I am a beautiful person. That has always been one of the hardest things for me to believe but I know that if I believe it then everyone else will. I am intelligent and I am unique. I am authentic, what you see is what you get. You don’t have to like me I am very ok with not being popular but be humane and civil.
I will never let go of God because He has seen me through this year. He is the only One Who’s approval I need and is the only one who knows what I need. He has removed a lot of people from my life this year but has also brought new ones and further blessed existing ones. He has heard my cries and also celebrated with me in moments of joy. He has been a real presence in my life this year, I actually felt His Presence in my life all through despite what I went through I knew He was always with me and still is with me.

I have also figured that this is not the end of difficult seasons but what I have learnt is that since I got through this one I will overcome the next one. And that God will still bless me more than I can ask think or imagine and it will be worth going through all this.
So let’s let go of our pasts and let’s move forward and enjoy this festive season no matter what your year looked like.

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