Wednesday, 21 October 2015
THIS IS WHO I AM
THIS IS WHO I AM
So my post this week is very personal
It is also very vulnerable, so I will share stuff that regularly people don’t know about me.
From my childhood I have had people being on my case about being too harsh or too strict or this or that. Whatever they feel they can say to help me “be better” or more “relatable” etc. To this day I can barely take a compliment because most of the time people prefer to point out the negative more than the positive. I don’t know why. I never really believe they are sincere and it’s hard. I can easily side with a negative situation than a positive one in my own life, but when it comes to other people I will see the light in their situation without reasonable doubt.
This has affected me my whole life and still does and often I have withdrawn from people because of this. If they only knew how hard I am on myself in the first place. Or how difficult it is to see the brighter side of things most of the time. I am actually a very introverted person and people think I am extroverted. People who have known me for a while know that I am generally a very private person and I keep to myself a lot. The only difference is that I have extroverted tendencies which is mainly when I want to get out of my head. [I am the weird person who goes to the beach when it’s empty, barely any people around. Not a fan of large crowds.]
I went through a phase where I had no friends especially when I was younger, a lot of acquaintances but really no friends. It hit me hard. I envied those around me who had BFF’s and went for sleep overs. I struggled to figure out what was generally the reason for it. Was I not a lovable person? Was there no one who saw me? Was there anyone who thought I was good enough? Do people really think that when I say things as it is [being blunt] I am out to hurt them?
Eventually I met the Love of my life Jesus Christ and the end of high school. I went to Him and asked Him, Lord, What is wrong with me? What do I need to do? What do I change? , How do I relate with people? The answer I got after ages of waiting was NOTHING. Not that God said nothing, I literally did not get an answer. SO this is what happened instead, God surrounded me with people who loved me and accepted me for who I am. No questions asked. How amazing is that?
Eventually whatever came out as something I needed to work on I worked on it. I learnt my ultimately that the only approval I need is God’s. That’s it. He made me like this so why am I trying to be something else? Who exactly do people want me to be like so they can be happy? Why am I trying to please them in the first place?
I know generally I come off as tough but I see myself as principled. If I really stand firm on something, that’s it. As long as it doesn’t contradict the Word of God, it is generally difficult to get me to do something contrary. I have lost friendships because of this. I am not saying I am perfect I am just saying that I have very strong convictions. My convictions are what keep me firm in my faith. I finally found the One Who accepted me as I was no questions asked. I am still a working progress, yes, maybe my faults are more visible yes, the only thing is that I accept them probably even easily than I accept strengths.
Do me a favor, if I upset you tell me. If I hurt you tell me. If I am being over bearing tell me and also excuse my big sister tendencies. But also if I have been nice tell me, if I have done something right tell me. Maybe you will help my outlook in life, who knows.
Is it really fair to always point out faults in people? Criticizing them all the time? Even the worst people in the world have some good in them. Like Hitler was a frustrated artist believe it or not.
Anyways, my point is knowing who you are and accepting who you are is generally difficult and not everyone has the patience to deal with you. Eventually even the most patient person gets tired of hearing how bad they are. You should never change who you are for anyone but God. That is because He is the only one who can actually help you.
Hope this has been helpful.
I watched this video by Janette…ikz as she said her vows to her husband to be and I was so amazed at her. How vulnerable they were and very authentic as well. Very beautiful. She sounds like me in many ways. So I have copied the link, have a listen and hope it is inspirational.
Here is the link from a woman who practically echoed me in many ways. Enjoy